TV1
5.30 Morning Weather
The latest UK, European, American, Canadian, Chinese, Indian, Russian, Australian, Japanese, Turkish, Mexican and South African weather.
WEATHER SUBJECT TO CHANGE DUE TO NATURAL VARIATIONS.
6.00 The Psychedelic Bears
The uber cool family bears travel to Iceland for a family holiday.
Subtitles, HD, Widescreen, maybe.
6.30 NEW SERIES: The Sillies
The first in a new multi-million pound claymation series aimed at toddlers that critics claim will teach them absolutely nothing except how to stare at some pretty colours on a television screen and not bother Mummy.
1. Blue. Tommy learns about the colour blue and it makes him sad.
7.00 The Creatures Of Sandringham Common.
An animated series about the woodland creatures who are unfortunate enough to inhabit a military training range. After an untimely explosion Badger faces a future without his set but can he persuade the other creatures to lend their burrowing skills?
7.25 Blue Repeater
A classic edition of Blue Peter from the 1960’s, in this edition the presenter explains why hippies are a bad influence for today’s youth.
8.15 The Girl With No Mum
A hard hitting series set in a highly orthodox orphanage in West London. Charlotte befriends a spider but is then told by the orphange’s nuns that she can’t keep it in her room, so she hides it down her pants.
8.45 Oh Fucklevision!
In a new US remake of the classic childrens slapstick comedy the Chuckle Brothers are put in charge of important projects. Today the brothers are tasked with the launch of a new football stadium for the New York Yankees.
HD, Widescreen
9.15 Frontline Boredom
As the nation’s schoolchildren wind their way through the school holidays, Robert Kilroy Silk invites
The nations parents and children into the studio to explore ways in which they can resolve the boredom they face during the annual summer holidays.
Widescreen, Subtitles, HD
Are you bored, are you challenged with nothing but the tedium of your own persona ? are you a mom or a dad who is now wishing that they never got pregnant in the first place if you had only knew the horror that would be school holidays.
10.00 My Illegal Family (r)
A lighthearted sitcom about a family of illegal immigrants from Dictatistan.
Double Bill. The man who is renting the Harpha family his loft finds he has to install loft insulation to conform with local environmental regulations or his house will be taken off him by the council. Even though there are 16 of them The Harphas have to adjust to living in his pantry until the work is complete.
Subtitles, Widescreen. MY ILLEGAL FAMILY – THE COMPLETE SERIES 1 is available on spinning disc now.
TRIVIA: The working title of this comedy series was “When you shouldn’t be here”.
11.00 The Life Of Flies (r)
Another chance to see Sir David’s Attenborough epic 27 part series on the anatomy of flies in Great Britain.
1. The Landings. Sir David Attenborough explores which kind of manure attracts the most files and visits a special landfill site which has been commissioned solely to attract flies to be studied by Cambridge University. Next week David Attenborough investigates the assertion that cack is natures dating service exclusively for fiies.
Repeat, Subtitles, HD
12.00pm Working Over Lunch
A man eats a pineapple Muiller yoghurt whilst working on a report in a firm of solicitors over what should have been his lunchtime break and Adrian chats with a representative from Sega Games who has unveiled ambitious plans to launch a new gaming console the Geromino which is only capable of playing old games from Sega’s catalogue against the highly dominant Playstation 3, Nintendo Wii & Xbox 360.
1.00 A Political Lunch with Tony Blair
Robin Stateson meets up with Tony Blair in a top London restaurant for an expensive lunch and listens to the former PM’s thoughts on what he would have done about the Credit Crunch had he remained in power.
Subtitles, HD, Widescreen.
1.30 Good Times
A nostalgic soap set within a gated community in South Africa at the time of Apartheid. Les learns that a local black is planning to go out with his daughter, to the shop!
The boyfriend is played by Samuel L Jackson.
2.00 Jeremy Kyle In The Afternoon
Now that a high court judge has ruled that his confrontational morning chat show is too aggravating for the morning slot, Jeremy Kyle retires to a more relaxed afternoon slot.
Jeremy Kyle offers a young couple from Swaffham a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits as they inevitably come to blows over their differences as he has been ordered to do by the judge.
3.00 What Britain Used To Be Like, innit
Andi Peters returns to the interiors of Television Centre to front a new youth oriented history series exploring Britains roots and heritage.
Today he investigates the murderous reign of Bloody Mary by returning to a London cemetery to dig up some of the paupers heads that she chopped up for relatively minor crimes.
3.40 What The Dinosaurs Did For Us.
Adam Hart Davis investigates what life was like 65,000,000 years ago for the dinosaurs that roamed the earth. In the first episode Davis investigates what used to happen when a T-Rex was sick.
HD, A Revised Repeat from 65,000,000 years ago.
4.15 Chuckin’ Challenge.
The average house in the UK contains over 4 binbags full of rubbish and that’s just talking about what’s on the shelves. David Dickinson helps a family clear out its trash from a boxroom and then helps them attempt to sell it down a landfill site.
The Ronson family talk to an investor who is interested in purchasing the methane from their rotten consumer products to an investor who is seeking to further the destruction of the ozone layer.
5.00 Celebrity Guests and Talking To Them
TV1 couldn’t come up with a name for their new flagship afternoon chat show by the time we went to press. Joining Kaye Adams on the sofa today is the Pope and George W Bush.
6.00 Six O Clock Live News
The news live as it happens with Adam Forshaw and David Crockett.
Today a plane flies into Tehran.
Today a plane flies into Tehran.
6.30 Bingo Club Live
Following the closure of the nations regional news teams last week to cut costs, Greg Scott comes live from Morecambe Bay bingo hall every weeknight and is offering you the chance to win £28,000 just by picking his balls.
7.00 Dealbreakers
After the cancellation of the longrunning Weakest Link, presenter Anne Robinson returns for a newly titled first run series of the former consumer watchdog series Watchdog.
7.30 Westenders.
A new middle-class version of the soap formerly set in London’s East End.
Barbera can’t sell enough tickets for her west end musical to make ends meet so she decides to commit fraud.
8.00 Wish You Could Get Here
A new travel series which promises to visit all the places that you can no longer afford to go to due to the Credit Crunch presented by Jeremy Vine. Today Russell Brand visits Vladivostok in eastern Russia and discovers that the time zone that the far eastern city is located in is weird.
8.30 University Challenged
The quiz show that pits a panel consisting of members who have all dropped out of university against real university graduates. With Jeremy Impatient Paxman.
Subtitles, HD
9.00 NEW SERIES Knickerdropping Consequences
A groundbreaking series about underage teenage pregnancy and the loss of virginity at a record breaking young age. Courtney is 13 and has already had seven boyfriends and had sex more than 7 times, and after not being able to afford a DNA test her family is now planning to decide which of her ex-boyfriends is her babys father by a throw of a dice.
Subtitles., HD, Widescreen
9.30 Sky Cops
A docusoap following a group of community policeman whose duty is to uphold the law and stop civil disorder in the sky.
A group of disorderly pilots are rounded up and locked up by airport security for anti-social behaviour after joining a mile high club.
10.05 News at 10.05, sorry we’re late.
Tonight China has replaced Beijing with Shanghai as its capital and Japan has declared war on whales on the ocean.
10.45 The National Gambling Results
Tonight’s national lotto balls are revealed by a big balltossing machine presented by Graham Norton.
10.55 Police, Stop, Scum! – CCTV footage of the scum of society as they prowl Britain’s streets performing their dark deeds. Donal McIntyre stars as the cameraman.
11.35 Emmerjail
A late night spin off of the popular rural based Yorkshire soap. Robert Sugden continues his incarceration at HM Leedswoods Scrubs prison. Whilst excercising in the communal gym Robert accidentally breaks a jailmate’s pool cue which he then has to defend from entering his own rear.
12.00am Most Haunted Live Tour with Billy Connolly.
Billy Connolly takes on the helm of the acclaimed supernatural investigation series.
Westminster Abbey. Billy Connolly investigates the ghosts of the past as he stays the night in the dark dark abbey.
1.05 FILM: Don’t Shit On Your Own Doorstep. (1991, PG)
Mob thriller starring Robert De Niro. After finding out that his milkman has in fact been a hitman and that he is being targeted by him on a hitlist, De Niro arranges for his adversary to be assassinated on his own doorstep.
2.50 FILM: Meet The Geriatrics.
An ageing Ben Stiller stars in this seventh sequel , with Pam’s parents now languishing in a nursing home, Greg can finally pluck up the courage to ask for a divorce without getting the crosseyed look from his intimidating father in law Niro.
4.05 Nighttime Powerpoint Slides.
A guide to the forthcoming delights of TV1’s schedules provided by this simulcast with the listings pages of TV1’s website.
A guide to the forthcoming delights of TV1’s schedules provided by this simulcast with the listings pages of TV1’s website.
5.05 Jobs For The Unemployed
A look at the nations last remaining jobs.
5.30 Credit Crunch Morning News
A look at which businesses have been struggling in the past 24 hours , including at 5.45
The closedowns and consolidations roundup with Evan Davies.
TV2
6.00am Programmes
For more information on the morning programmes in this slot see today’s Sky Digital electronic programme guide or consult a listings guide from a daily paper.
10.00 Just Fuck Off Out Of My Face Or I’ll Knife You, Innit!
Andi Peters investigates why modern inner city youth is so prone to violence these days, in each edition he will ask whether a different culprit is ultimately responsible. In today’s edition Andi plays a 24 hour marathon of the video game that’s been dubbed “sick” by the Daily Mail, the Grand Theft Auto series and is then given a knife to assess if he feels more violent.
Subtitles, HD, Widescreen.
10.30 What’s It like being Prime Minister?
David Blunkett talks about the stresses and strains of having the top job in Britain and is despondent when he reminisces about the time he was able to take three trips to Barbados a year rather than two that he currently does.
11.00am Bass Pub Snooker Cueoffs 2009
Live coverage of the annual public house snooker championships. Today Phil Powers wrestles a snooker table placed on a subsiding pub lounge room floor with a pool cue which he is constantly having to manoeuvre away from the windows which surround his snooker table of play. The last time he put a window through in this pub when he was playing another snooker tournament with the same cue he was threatened by the landlord with a piece of the glass from the very window he had accidentally shattered.
AS COVERAGE IS LIVE, THE SPORTING ACTION CANNOT BE GUARANTEED TO BE EXCITING OR INTERESTING.
2.00pm Backbenchers Questions to the Prime Minister Live
Live coverage of Backbenchers question time from the Houses Of Parliament, Westminster. A low status Labour MP who is currently refusing to obey the party whip because his policies are anti-tory in nature is fighting a last minute appeal to get his legislation accepted by the PM when a fathers 4 justice campaigner interrupts proceedings by throwing a blue powder into the house this time instead of a purple one.
3.00 Murder, It Was
Angela Lansbury visits the lavish home of a Hollywood film star whose recent life has resembled the plot of her latest film which is revealed to be a big budget murder mystery project. Angela discovers why she died in such a spectacular way.
FOR AN ACCOMPANYING VIDEO OF THE SERIES YOU CAN BUY MURDER, IT WAS THE COMPLETE SERIES BOXSET FROM ALL GOOD WEBSITES.
4.00 The Antiques Of Our Generation
After presenting News At Ten for over two decades Sir Trevor McDonald is reduced to presenting this programme. He furiously attempts to value a clock which the owners believe makes the same sound as the News At Ten gongs every hour.
COULD YOUR USELESS JUNK POTENTIALLY BE LAPPED UP BY SOMEBODY ELSE JUST BECAUSE IT’S BEEN LABELLED AN ANTIQUE? WE’LL TELL YOU POLITELY IF IT’S SHIT OR NOT! CALL THE NATIONAL ANTIQUES ADVISORY SERVICE ON 020 02450151.
5.00 The Nation’s Favourite Bathrooms
Dom Littlewood takes a whistlestop tour through some of the nation’s most eccentric and loved
bathrooms. His first stop is Gillingham in Kent where the owners have installed a home theatre system opposite their shower.
HD, Subtitles, Widescreen.
For a free slightly soggy brochure please call 020 0200200, Calls will cost £something/min.
6.00 A Super Dysfunctional Family
An ambitious 52 part animated series that was commissioned immediately after the loss of The Simpsons to another channel to replace the Simpsons. Bort finds out that his father has been fired from Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant in Cumbria after failing a safety inspection.
6.30 Answer Me Back
Dermot Murgahan hosts the quiz in which contestants must answer before the question. The contestant to answer the most correctly will win the question.
HD, Subtitles, Widescreen, One Colour.
7.00 A War To Remember
A select group of octogenarians tell us about their favourite memories from World War I even though some of them were not alive during the Great War. Percy remembers waking up in the trenches and mistakenly concluding that he was back in his own garden.
7.30 A Day In The Life of my pointless existence.
Griff Rhys Jones meets members of the public who claim to have the most “pointless” occupation.
1 Bic Pen Pusher. Griff Rhys talks to John a pen factory worker from Glamorgan who has spent the last 26 years testing whether pens work before they are shipped off for distribution.
HD, Subtitles, Widescreen, Black & Blue.
8.00 NEW SERIES: Garden Makeover
Laurence Llewellyn Bowen aids a family from Canterbury who want to turn their entire garden into a patio.
HD, Subtitles, Widescreen.
8.30 NEW SERIES: Food and Drunk
Jilly Goolden returns to our screens for the first time in over 15 years with a refined guide to the various ciders that are available in Britain’s off licence and also in the concluding half of the programme she guides us through the most preferable in after drink snacks.
Repeat, Subtitles, HD
For a free booklet sponsored by Bargain Booze please write to a stamped address envelope in TVC Centre, London W1A
CHOICE: 9.00 Dragons Drug Den
A reality series following a Chinese drug entrepreneur and his colourful customers who operate
out of a back yard in the Chinese city of Beijing much to the disdain of the local secret police and the quarter’s residents.
HD, Subtltles, Widescreen.
10.00 Benefit Bouncers
The government’s message with regard to welfare now from September 2010 will be, If you claim benefits, you’ll get busted.
In 2009 a new agency of benefit bounty hunters was established by the DWP who work on commission whose payment depends on the number of people they can dissuade from claiming on the welfare system.
IF YOU CURRENTLY CLAIM BENEFITS AND NEED HELP TO STOP YOUR BENEFIT ADDICTION THE CALL THE NATIONAL BENEFITS HELPLINE ON 020 02000200 WITH DETAILS OF THE BENEFITS YOU CLAIM AND THE AMOUNTS YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED.
10.30 Newsfight – All the top political fights of the day with Peter Snow. Today Conservative vs Labour, Peter Snow invites Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg to discuss the situation.
11.00 NEW SERIES: Billy Connolly’s World Tour Of Albert Dock
The first programme in a groundbreaking 13 part series in which the seminal comedian from north of the border takes us through every nook and cranny of Liverpool’s prime tourist attraction whilst regaling us with inspirational stories.
1 The Big Beatle Yin. Billy Connolly fondly remembers the dislike he had in the 1960’s for the Beatles whilst he takes us through a tour of a museum dedicated to the band.
12.00am When Louis Theroux Crossed Glitter
The acclaimed documentarian meets the man behind Gary Glitter, Paul Gadd and spends a weekend in his company in the streets of Bangkok. At times it is uncomfortable viewing.
IF YOU ARE OFFENDED DURING THE PROGRAMME PRESS THE RED BUTTON WHERE YOU WILL BE GUIDED TO THE OFCOM COMPLAINTS CHANNEL.
12.30 Street Crime South Africa
Donal Macintyre takes a Sony Handycam out on to the violent streets of Johnannesburg. Within minutes his camera is nicked and held to ransom by a prison gang so the majority of the programme was filmed in audio.
HD, SUBTITLES, REPEAT
1.01 Don’t Look Down! Deathdrop special.
An investigation into the highest cliffs in the world, In his second programme tonight, Donal Macintrye attempts to scale the great white cliffs of Dover with nothing but his bare hands.
1.30 Fire, Damage, Devastation
TV1’s very own Jim Bowen is on tour with Lancashire Fire Brigade on their duties through the early hours of the morning. Tonight a housefire in Blackpool threatens to become a blockfire but will the team which is now nearly exclusively made of volunteer firemen from the community due to budget restraints be able to stop their game of poker on time to go out on call?
3.10 Nightscreen in association with Argos
The latest pages from the most recent Argos catalogue with products and gadgets to browse from
In the early hours of the morning.
TO ORDER CALL THE ARGOS HELPLINE.
5.00 A Repeat,
Probably.
Subtitles, HD, Widescreen, maybe
5.30am NEW SERIES In God Above We Trust
The first in a new six part series of the public service commitment commissioned religious and social affairs magazine. Sir Harry Seacombe asks who is God, and why have we never met him? Sir Harry speaks to a Christian pensioner from Essex who claims to have met God personally and has drawn a picture of him in his personal diaries.
TVC INTERACTIVE
10.00 Toss My Balls
Greg Scott invites you to take part in his big balltossing machine where you can win the dogs bollocks in terms of prizes.
12.00 Lunchtime Spin
Kate Adams invites you to spin the lunchtime wheel of fortune to win a hamper filled with frozen sandwidges and Cadbury’s delights which will be enough to last the lucky prize winner 365 lunchtimes.
3.00 Guess That Film
The very start of films are recorded by TVC from the Sky Box Office free view and played for you the viewer to play an interactive guessing game where you attempt to name the film that is playing.
6.00 Who The Hell’s That?
POINTLESS SHITE JOBS
Ballpoint pen tester
Job description: In BIC’s pen factory the job entails the employee to test every pen that has completed construction to see if they work before they are packed.
Sewage Integrity Checker
Job description: To wade into the sewape pipes in the sections just before they reach the sewage treatment plant and remove unacceptable foreign objects such as small cars and pubic hairballs from the sewage flow.
Irish Tourist Assistant.
Job description: To identify tourists of Irish origin on the streets of London and hand out leaflets which give a guide to London’s attractions from an Irish perspective.
Sitcom Laugh Assessor.
To sit through tapes and tapes of new sitcom episodes and identify where the canned laughter should go according to your own sense of humour.
Employment Experience Analyst.
Job Description: Your employment will require you to go to the job centre and try out different jobs and write a written report on what candidates are required to do and are likely to experience if they take the jobs.
Motorway Frownmaster
Job Description: To stand on a motorway embankment facing oncoming speeding motorists with a look of stern disapproval on your face.
As government initiatives to reduce speeding on Britain’s motorways have largely failed, the latest idea from the ministry of transport is to employ somebody to stand on a motorway embankment with a clipboard frowning at speeders in disapproval. It is thought the guilt might compel drivers to reach for the brake pedal.
Ideal for the job! Irritable nature, not many friends, recently divorced, sardonic view of the world, lots of spare time which you are ready to exchange for minimum wage.
OFCOM Compliance Analyst.
To monitor a particular broadcast tv or radio channel for a designated period to make sure of compliance with broadcast codes and regulations and...
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