THE UNRADIO TIMES
Guide to
Bank Holiday TV
NOTE: This guide is not complete(:
Channel 1
5.30am Alarm Clock News & Weather
An early morning news bulletin coupled with the gentle sound of a continuously ringing alarm clock can be used as a service to wake you up.
6am Rise & Shine – Bank Holiday Grogginess Special
Adrian Chiles relives his most tired moments on the programme and laments about the viewers who can’t be bothered to get up and tune in.
9.25 This Yawning – Who’s The Father Wake Up Call
Jeremy Kyle gently wakes up morning viewers with a dawn chorus of gentle stories about fathers
Who took off when their girlfriends became pregnant.
10.35 Home Is Where The Mess Is
Four ordinary families are challenged to tidy up extreme house messes they have been instructed to create in order to discover which one of them is the most lazy around the house.
11.35 CHOICE: Bank Holiday Benefitwatch Live
Dominic Littlewood confronts benefit claimants and questions their entitlement after suspicious viewers have reported them in this live as-it-happens investigative programme.
13.35 FILM: Spier Spier, Pants on Fire (1974)
Russian spy adventure set in the USA. Smooth secret agent Bond James travels to Siberia where he is kidnapped and made to eat grass until he can come up with a scheme which is intelligent enough to dupe the notorious criminals he is sent to investigate who make a living ripping up Oriental Express train line and selling the pieces on the black market in China.
15.37 The World’s Greatest Animated Distractions
The CGI animated films with the most whizzes, bangs, pretty colours and lights are awarded with “The Best Family Distraction Award” as the film most effective to be used to give parents some peace while it’s put on for its duration.
16.00 Motorway Queuemasters
Travellers returning from their holidays all around the country are challenged by Dermot Murgahan to predict the road queues they will be driving into, and those who predict they will be the most inconvenienced will win a lifetime supply of free road atlases and furry dice from the AA.
17.35 Not Home but Away
All the residents of Summer Bay are away at the beach (another one) for their Summer holidays, but will anything valuable remain in their houses after the duration?
18.00 News
In todays edition, the USA concedes defeat as its stock market stumbles below Chinas and Katie Price is elected the MEP of the Norwich area.
18.15 Regional News
The latest crimes and disorder from your nearest big towns and cities.
18.30 FILM: Wet Behind The Ears
In order to pay off its national debts, the nation of Brazil has decided to sell off every square acre of its rainforests but not before a tribal boy who befriends a menagerie of CGI animated animals including Bozo the fish, Peter the Polar Bear, Adam the Aardvark, Charlie the crocodile and Larry the lion can put a stop to it..
20.00 Hard Times
A new Hackney based nightly soap opera. Watching his new flatscreen TV, Max recognises his own son when he watches news footgate of the recent London riots. He becomes infuriated when he realises that he narrowly missed the opportunity to steal a Playstation 3 as well.
20.30 Reporting Britain
A national survey has revealed that benefit claimants are costing the country more money than the taxpayers do even the ones that claim benefit., but despite this 99% of claimants are reluctant to give up their claims even when they are forced to. Jeremy Vine investigates the national problem of Benefit withdrawal refuseniks.
21.00 Smooth Operator With A Hard Edge
A gritty drama about a tough cop(Det Mark Soft) with a rough edge but soft insides. Who brings his ted along with him everywhere he goes in his police vehicle. Whilst investigating some hardcore drug dealers who threaten to amputate his spine, he stops to stroke a neighbourhood cat.
22.45 All Questions, No Answers
A group of politicians are grilled by members of the public who want to know why the Stock Market collapsed last Thursday. And the leader of the BNP and prime minister Nick Griffin explains how he is going to ensure that “Britain goes back British” a pre-election manifesto pledge which he has broken already.
23.45 FILM: Don’t shoot!, It’s Tuesday! (1984)
A violent mob thriller starring Robert De Niro and Burt Bacharach. When a corrupt landlord with ties to the Mafia goes to collect the rent from his tenants, he discovers one of them has sub let to a rival mob family of his. After nearly shooting the place out of existence he attempts to collect his “rent”.
01.15 Last Minute Weather
For anybody not too traumatised after that film to watch the Weather, Michael Fish is back and predicts showers, a thunderstorm and an earthquake that will be capable of tipping bins over in Central Scotland.
TWO
15.00 Celebrity Antique Despatch
With Celebrities Huw Edwards and John Sweeney
16.00 Tweenies – The Story
The child actors who played the various Tweenie characters recall the intense pressure that they used to endure filming the series which they coped with by turning to drink, drugs and to Channel 5.
17.00 Around the M25 in 80 minutes.
In a spec ial one-off travelogue seasoned traveller Michael Palin attempts to circumnavigate London by attempting to find out whether he can do the M25 loop in just 80 minutes despite the extra Bank Holiday traffic he will be facing.
19.00 Why I absolutely despise Caravans
Various smart alec talking heads such as John Bishop, Frankie Boyle & Jo Caulwell reveal how much displeasure they have for caravans in their lives through a combination of personal anecdotes, off the cuff quips and rants.
DID YOU USE TO HATE FAMILY HOLIDAYS IN CARAVANS AND TENTS? THE PRODUCTION TEAM IS WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
20.00 NEW SERIES: Land
Neil Oliver takes a break from the nations seasides and vast coastal landscapes to venture inwards for the start of an epic new 53 part documentary series which will investigate the story behind each National Grid 100KM square in the country.
Neil Oliver feature “this programme is so far completely unparalleled in its ambition, not only are we going to tackle ever y single inland 100KM grid square in the country, we won’t be neglecting all the ones out at sea either, even the ones with absolutely no land at all in them, not even a wee island. Those programmes will still be an hour in length and we will be looking for all the folklore, all the stories and all the dramatic views, it’s going to be epic, and if you value yourself as a person with an enquiring mind you should be there or be square, 100KM square that is!”
Now now Neil, no need to get cheesy!
21.00 NEW SERIES: Business Backers
After the recent high profile cancellation of the long running Dragons Den series an almost identical programme
22.00 2011 so far lol!
A light hearted look back through some of the amusing moments of some of the more dramatic events of 2011 such as the Rupert Murdoch phone hacking scandal, the London rioting and Hurricane Irene with Frankie Boyle, Harry Hill & Newsnight's Kirsty Wark who will be expected to at least smile.
22.30 The Nightly News at Night
The housing minister responsible for a deeply contentious programme that would build “homes underground for immigrants” is accused of trying to make asylum seekers live like hobbits by an irate Kirsty Wark.
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20.00 Resisting The Smack
A cutting edge reality parenting documentary which follows highly stressed young mothers with discipline-deprived children who have previously admitted to resorting to smacking. But will they be able to resist the temptation for the whole of this hour long fly-on-the-wall documentary?
21.00 Chip on my shoulder
James Callaghan stars as the ex-cop with a serious chip on his shoulder, DC M8 (named after the motorway that runs through Glasgow city centre) has settled down in his flat for a night of Torchwood episodes but is forced to investigate after his ex-fiance is callously murdered after failling to pay the 50p she owes for milk to the local loan shark, henow realises he has two questions about his new case 1. Who is he? and 2. What condition will his face be in after he has finished dealing with him?
22.00 Jailbait Snipers
A new controversial reality dating game show in which contestants have to try and guesstimate the real age of their dates before they are allowed to go off with them. Out of a group of five young girls who are real eye candy, only one is actually over the age of 18.
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20.00 Mozart’s Symphony no -1
A recent discovery of an unpublished & unwritten musical manuscript by Mozart entitled “symphony no -1” has led to a great sensation amongst historians and classical music aficionados. But what exactly was Symphony no -1? It contained no notes, no rests and no timing, it wasn’t even written on paper and wasn’t really anything that resembled anything physical at all, music expert Jools Holland surmises “perhaps it represents the hypothetical altered reality of a world where Mozart’s Symphony no 40 is played backwards”
21.00 The Story of Tacks
It isn’t particularly common knowledge that carpet tacks have actually had a long and colourful history dating back to Roman Times when they were used to underpin the long road which ran between what is now the modern day locations of London & Birmingham, the route of the A5.
With Tony Robinson.
22.00 What Do you think you’re eating, Mr Hitler!
A rather odd quirk in the story of German dictator Hitler is the fact that he was an adamant vegetarian, Dr David Starkey investigates the difficulties and arguments that used to take place amongst his underlies during World War II about what to feed the Fuhrer. He also offers us a dramatic reconstruction of one of the Fuhrer’s meals.
23.00 Earth – It’s Been Nice Knowing You
As time marches on and the Sun gets increasingly more massive, Earth will eventually suffer the same fate that a moth does near a candle. But should our civilisation last out until nearer this time, in what way should future members of society say goodbye to the Earth?
00.00 Decades of Decadence – The Fourties before the Sixties
Human anthropology expert Desmond Morris explores the little known pre rock & roll era subculture of pre-hippies who emerged during the Second World War in the 1940’s. Many were forced into a life of War based servitude and facing the tough rationing regime stockpiled the few strawberries they were allowed until they had enough for a night of getting high. Dame Vera Lynn was the music of choice for the resulting strawberry fume filled drugs trip, which even Desmond Morris is forced to concede could for the time be quite effective.
01.00
Channel 3
11.30 This Yawning
Banish those Bank Holiday blues as the magazine looks at the most cost effective British holidays that are available, including a Caravan Holiday in Grimsby, a fishing break in Flint, North Wales and B&B’s in Birmingham City Centre.
13.30 Loose Slimmin’
A reality docusoap filmed in the Battersea branch of Weight Watchers sees who can lose the most weight and continue to look the most physicall attractive whilst still continuing to eat their favourite meals.
14.30 Dickinson’s Meal Deal
The gregarious and outgoing presenter is off down his favourite restaurants with his uncompromising commentary to prod his contestants into playing a cunning game of finding minute faults with the meals and service in order to try and win compensatory deals from the restaurant managements. The contestants who can get the most struck off their meals will be the ones that emerge victorious.
15.30 FILM: Cut to the Chase, 007!
Sparing us all the long stylish bits in between, this compilation focuses only on Bond’s tremendous action scenes from each of his previous instalments. Even though new viewers couldn’t hope to have a clue what’s going on they will at least be at the edge of their seats.
17.30 Who Wants To Give To Their Favourite Charity?
A very honest and candidly titled game show in which enormous prizes are won by celebrity contestants to be given to their charities of choice.
18.30 Push It!
A high octane new pranks based game show in which members of the public are confronted by contestants who have been pushed into doing outrageous acts for money prizes. A restaurateur in Basildon, Essex is co-erced into setting fire to the banknotes his customers pay him in front of their eyes whilst a zoo keeper from Chester dresses up as a hippo and pretends to have escaped in front of visitors to the Zoo.
19.00 Emmerjail
A further instalment of the spin-off of the highly popular Yorkshire based soap following first following Andy Sugden and now Eric Pollard in prison. Eric sets up a highly lucrative and secretive smuggling operation, all to get a copy of the Radio Times, a privilege he lost when he smacked a fellow inmate in the eye after he said he liked Coronation Street better than Emmerdale.
19.30 The Coronation Street Riots
In a topical change to the storyline, David Platt, outraged by his mother Gails mistreatment of his girlfriend that’s just left him leads a violent gang of looters into the Street who intimidate Roys café, The Kabin & The Rovers Return. After the small police prescence is quickly outflanked the street’s only defence lies with Norris
