GOODLAUG - Celebrities Vs Plebs, Why Are Celebrities Infinitely Superior?
A guest writer from HOT magazine tells us why he thinks that Celebrities have
got the edge on you plebs
Andy Hardshaw said
"I work with celebrities every day, when you get used to that kind of pedigree, you soon don't want to bother even
tripping up on an ordinary person"
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CELEBRITIES - why they've got the edge on you plebs!
In other words why you're a pleb and celebrities are infinitely superior to you in almost every conceivable way.
If you never made it, here's a page that should make you feel loads better. It's an even bigger reality check than when you realise that its a bailiff knocking on your front door and he's never polite
like the postman.
Celebrities feel good all the time, they don't need any re-assurance,
while you feel crap because you are crap, you're just feeling the facts.*
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*We couldn't be any more frank than that and here's why. Forgot the class system, you can be in any class you like, Working, Upper or Middle, but there'll always be one of two categories, *the nobody and the somebody, you're either worth something or not and here's the reason why the nobody is out of the league of the somebody. *And where the Nobody gets it's name from.*
IT"S A PERPLEXING QUESTION BUT WHY ARE CELEBRITIES WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU?
Celebrities have an imagination and have actually written the music, acted the part, sang the track you are listening to. You rely on their entertainment for a diversion from your dull life while the celebrities are the world of entertainment, so they never get disillusioned, bored or despondent every waking moment for a celebrity is like a breath of fresh air. Celebrities create all the music you listen to and all the entertainment that comes out of your screen that you habitually festoon your eyes on in preference to the drab four walls that surround your soulless plasma screen that you got from Argos, all you can ever do is watch or listen to somebody else's work, you could never create it, as creating entertainment is so intricately complex that only a few special chosen ones can ever master it, so you'll never be anything to write home about, you're just one of the masses. Celebrities are worth a 1000 of you. Even your Youtube videos have about 10 views between them.``
THE REASONS!
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A Celebrity's autograph is immediately worth something, it would fetch a mint if it was listed on Ebay. When you sign something, it usually to sign your life away for a debtbuster loan, at this point of course your autograph isn't worth the paper it's written on. And while your mortgage is continually going up because of inflation, causing you to live in smaller and smaller houses, celebrities have invested their money and they're getting bloated by inflation, and need a map to be printed by their estate agent to find their way around their new mansion.
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Celebrities don't have to pass their driving test because they can hire a chauffeur, you have to sit their on your test hoping that you'll become famous like Maureen from Driving School by getting an entry into the Guinness Book Of Records about your amount of test failures.
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Celebrities can enter any pub or club and get treated like royalty, if the bouncer of a nightclub doesn't take a shine to you, you can get treated like you just spat on royalty.
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You watch TV to escape from real life, celebrities actually appear on TV and get to escape from real life. They don't have a real life, their life is too good to be described as "real".
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If a celebrity doesn't enjoy what they were doing they can just quit, try something else or move on, you would lose your house, or any other loan secured on it.
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A celebrity never needs to use public transport, they can leave anywhere at will, while you stand around getting hardrained on until as and when the bus company feel like arriving.
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If a celebrity appears on radio it is a rare opportunity to see the inside the mind of a figure the public holds close to its heart, if you appear on radio, you'll get busted for illegal broadcasting.
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If you are interviewed for TV, most of your dialogue is heavily edited and they cut to the chase, but when a celebrity is interviewed however it is seen as an "exclusive" and is often later released on DVD.
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Celebrities are hunted down by obsessive fans, if anyone bothers to hunt you down, it's because you owe them money or they want to punch you.
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Your family can't even be bothered to watch your newly shot holiday video, but when they hear Robbie Williams is on ITV they instantly flip the channel.
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If one of a celebrities possessions breaks they can just go out and buy a new one, if one of yours breaks you have to claim on the insurance, and get treated with Al-Qaeda like suspicion as to whether you are trying to do the insurance company over.
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Most celebrities have a voice that people like to hear the audio of, if you raise yours you get told to keep quiet we're trying to watch the TV, there are celebrities on the TV they aren't dancing out your voicebox unless you are a wannabe Rory Bremner, but that line of work is taken.
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Celebrities win awards at major award ceremonies all the time, but the only accolade you have to your name is "employee of the month".
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If a major natural disaster was ever to occur in your area, local celebrities would be airlifted out first and you would have to find your own way.
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Celebrities often have gardens the size of a small english county, you on the other hand filed a neighbour dispute when your neighbour put up a new fence an inch to the left.
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At your funeral the priest struggles to remember the details of your life while he spends his spare time reading the biographies of famous celebrities.
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Celebrities are famous for being known, but you're only known for wanting to be famous.
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Celebrities are often successful in business, you're only successful because someone else is successful in business, ie your employer.
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All those celebrities must wear out the treasury printing all those banknotes, but you're the only reason why there are still denominations of 1p and 2p.
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Celebrities often have an entourage, and if you got a position in one that's the closest you'd get to a celebrity.
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Celebrities get paid to be themselves and have a personality, you get paid to shut up and get on with your work.
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If a celebrity releases a single it usually makes the top 10, even if they are primarily non-music, yours would flop outside the top 40.
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Celebrities appear on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and some want to leave while you would prefer to stay in the spotlight, because you're not a celebrity.
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Celebrities can sue anybody that rubs up them the wrong way and slap them with a defamation suit, you have to write a letter to the local paper.
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If a Celebrity runs out of money, they phone up their agent while you have to claim benefits and show up at a job centre every 2 weeks, someone like Madonna doesn't have to get out of bed for less than £10,000.
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When celebrities appear on tv they get laughs, but the only time you'd get laughed at on TV would be your appearance on "You've Been Framed" and no they are not laughing with you.
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You read about celebrities in magazines, the only time they read about you is when you get arrested for a serious crime.
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Some celebrities appear on TV every day, but the only TV you've most likely appeared on is CCTV and now that it's 2009 youtube on some teenage bedroom PC monitor, but if on CCTV a famous celebrity was spotted walking down your local high street, the guards would actually
bother monitoring them.
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Celebrities never have neighbours they don't like because they can afford to move, you however can hear your neighbour's toast pop up.
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If you want to buy something worth more than your income, you have to watch Daytime TV to find a good loan company, celebrities get on the phone to their agent and then on down to Selfridges.
If you need any more reasons, you're even less likely to ever become a celebrity
Just another hint for our final thought, the word "celebrity" is defined as someone who is celebrated, now consider your life for a second.
Do you feel like celebrating?
BONUS REASONS FOR 2009
Even unknown Bollywood movie stars are more famous than you, and we're talking about in Sunderland where nobody's heard of them.
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In work when your boss gives you a command you do it or lose your job, if a celebrity doesn't want to do something they are their own boss and sometimes they can't even convince themselves
to do something. A bit convoluted that one.
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Here's a thought for next time you watch Shrek, even animated characters are more famous than you will ever be.
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It likely makes no difference to your favourite celebrity whether you live or die.
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Mathematically speaking Prime Minister Gordon Brown or President Bush is more popular with the public than you are, because they've at least heard of them.
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If a celebrity makes an ass out of themselves they get ever more famous while you would get further ostracised from society.
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When celebrities commit crimes they get short sentences whilst you get short shrift!
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All these words mean practically nothing to an established celebrity and make not one iota of difference to their ecstatic mindblowing lifestyles, recession, credit crunch, swine flu, jobs market,
downturn, climate change, global warming, ID cards, benefits culture, pensions crisis, . You spend your waking life with these words going round in your subconscious involunatarily informing you about how shit your life will become. Celebrities never let trifling little things like those worry them as they have such a deep bank of financial security that even the most neurotic celebrity like Woody Allen can employ someone else to worry for them.
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While you dream of becoming famous while some celebrities dream of NOT being famous anymore.. oh! well this had better be the end of the blog then!
*EXTRA
Words you would never hear on a sensational news report.
Upswing
Upcession
Pensions Relief
Climate Normalisation
Icecap Dominance.
Ocean Tailback
Credit Boom
HEADLINES YOU WOULD NEVER SEE
Jobs Market Swells
University Leavers Prosper In Record Numbers
Hosptials Critically Acclaimed
Renationalisation Celebration
The World's Oceans are receeding, rejoice!
Antarctica's Getting Bigger!
Shame as MP doesn't claim enough expenses
The BBC - The Future Is Secure!
England Exit World Cup after 1 game, oh well! You win some, you lose some! Mamager consoled by fans who understand
Foreign Minister worried about a shortage of immigration, appeals to China!
In Teenagers We Trust - the new generation that is outperforming dated standards in civilised behaviour.
It's OFFICIAL! Exams aren't easier! but students are outperforming their parents and grandparents!
Tory party leaders claim privatisation plans are inadequate!
Originally Written in 2005
